A Dog's Thoughts on Freedom

free-dom n. 1. The condition or state of being free: As in no choker collar, no runner or chain, no root to get caught on or tree to get wrapped around, no food or water bowl just out of reach, able to run, chase cars and cows, able to lie in the sun soaked grass of the front yard just waiting to terrorize a bicyclist, able to pee on the flowers that belong to the bitch next door 2. The power to act or think or speak without externally imposed constraints: As in since I’m not tied up I don’t have to think about how to get out of this collar or spend my day trying to uproot the giant privet to which I am normally bound; I am free to wander, free to lie around, free to eat and drink and roll in dead things- free to think about where my balls have gone, free to anticipate the moment that my boys get home from school, free to think about squeaky toys and all the bones I have stashed throughout the yard; No muzzle- not that I even know what one is, no glaring eye of an owner telling me to shush, free to growl, free to howl, free to bark, free to fart, free to snore 3. The right to use or occupy a place and treat it as your own: As in ruling over the yard- the penalty for trespassing is one’s right leg, unless you know the password, really, one shouldn’t even drive too slowly past the house, as I have created a dog right of way and declared a minimum 45 MPH speed limit- slow drivers will have to outrun me for a quarter of a mile 4. The right to enjoy the privileges of membership or citizenship: As in free to sleep in my boy’s bed, free to sit at the head of the table awaiting falling crumbs, or the sneaky hand of one of my boys generously passing off food in an attempt to clean his plate, free to stretch out by the fire on my memory foam bed which adjusts its temperature to make me as comfortable as possible 5. Overconfidence, overfamiliarty, or a lack of proper restraint or decorum: As in my owner has to take me in and out of the back door at the vet as to avoid confrontation, some consider it “overfamiliar,” but I think you can never smell a person or animal too much